Tuesday, May 26, 2015

是我多心了吗?

突然, 我们变的有些生疏。
就只是那么的两个礼拜, 难道我们的爱情就那么的经不起考验吗?

是我要求的太多,还是你已经累了? 

你脸上没有一丝的兴奋, 然而,我也必须压抑着见到的你的期盼。

从来没有一次,牵着你的手是那么的伤感。 
你那能给予我温暖的手,为何温度忽然变了?

我很想问,你是否还爱我啊?

你说的,我们要一起找出解决的方案。
为何我觉得你已经要放弃了? 

请告诉我,是我多心了。 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Why.

We talked about it yesterday.

 Finally, he said something after reading my last good night message and realizing I sent that message with a heavy heart. 

From day 1, he has told me what kind of guy is he. 
To be honest, he will not be an ideal man to any girls. 
He is cold, always. He is selfish, always. 

He shown me a different person in the beginning, he was a very caring and making me laugh all the time. 
Yes, probably because that was the sweet period where we call it as " re lian qi".
As soon as that stage passed, our conversation become less and he started to feel uncomfortable, neither I do.

I am a girl, I believe whatever I sense about him and about us will never go wrong. 
I did not raised up whenever I feel something not right but I rather I keep guessing and thinking what can I do for the next step. 

So he said,
1. He doesn't miss his girlfriend much. Or maybe only miss her occasionally
2. He is selfish and quiet. 
3. He will not take the initiative to call his girlfriend. If his girlfriend call him, the only thing comes into his mind is if the gf is having any trouble. 
4. He smoke. He will not stop or quit smoking unless one day he realized himself need to stop smoking. (yes, I have accepted the fact that he smokes, because loving someone is to accept all his good and bad)
5. He will not change for anyone. 
6. ..
7. ...


My heart sunk when I hear that, especially when I am oversea staying in a quiet room all by myself. 

We started too fast and the sweet period was too short. We did not realized much before we go deeper and more serious. 
What we did now is more like a routine work rather than having the heart to go out with love's one. 

I admit there's a period my life is just spinning around him. I get lost whenever he is not around me. 
Its a bad thing as I am not having a balance life. 

For now, I need to adapt again. 
1. Not to spin around him and fill up my time with more work and spending time with friends and family. Only go out occasionally with him.  
2. I must not miss him every second, because the feeling of missing him is killing me. After knowing he only miss me occasionally, it really hurts me. 
3. Must not message him so often. I have to stop myself from checking phone for his message. He will not be like last time anymore that message me very often.
4. I need to be independent and give him more spaces. 
5. and many many more.. 

I have experienced before where my ex gave me all the cares I want until I felt really annoyed.
I have experienced before where hanging out with my ex every weekend until I don't have a personal time or spaces. 

But with him, I dont mind spending all my time with him and I keep demanding for his care. 

I really need to ask myself, what kind of boyfriend I am looking for.
As much as I want to get closer to him, he slowly go further away from me. 

Do i want a very caring and sensitive boyfriend?
Or i need a 时有时无 boyfriend? then who can tell me to have a 时有时无 boyfriend is better or just don't have a boyfriend is better? 

I clearly know, he is the guy I want. But now I am not the girl he want. 

Really lost. 





Friday, May 22, 2015

Tell me why.

It has been quite some time ago since I come here and blog something.. 

Today is my 2nd last day in Japan, I was given a chance to come Japan and experience the working life here to see if I can adapt before proceeding to a 3 months or 6months exchange program. 

It is a good experience for me but overall trip wasn't a very pleasant trip. 

Firstly, of cause there is communication problem. Japanese couldn't speak English or they can understand but they are shy to speak. 
I tried to pick up Japanese language but it wasn't easy, its not something that you can learn within 1 or 2 months. 
If just basic conversation, I can pick up however when come to work, we need to use those formal terms and engineering terms. 
Thats where I find it really difficult. 

In these 2 weeks, I feel like I am a HR manager going around different department to meet new people. 
They can't speak english too. ah! thats fine, just meeting new people. *self comforting* 

Secondly, I feel lonely here, probably I can't speak Japanese hence couldn't make any Japanese new friends. 
Ah!  its ok. *self comforting*

I got family support to come here. They advised me to take up this opportunity to experience different lifestyle in foreign country.
When I know I got this opportunity, I was so naive and thought everything will be fine.
I am wrong. 

I can't recall how many nights in Japan, I have been spending night time in room crying till I am exhausted and fall asleep. 
You might think I am weak and stupid, but I just can't take the loneliness and sadness I am facing in these two weeks. 

I tried to find someone to talk, yet I don't know who to find.  

"He" is the thing that is bothering me so badly in these two weeks. 
I was looking for support and more caring when I am in foreign country.
But he did not show any. 
I convinced myself that he is very busy and can't bother too much thing. 

Since ever he accepted the promotion offer, he has been very busy at work and at night he go for his favorite sport to pick up the skill again and I believe its a way for him to release stress too. 
Since ever he accepted the promotion offer, our topics are getting lesser and lesser. 
He said before, things will not changed. But, he did not realize, he has changed.

At that position, I believe he couldn't share much with me because he need to keep the work confidential or maybe I couldn't help much even if he tell me. 
Ok, I understand and I accepted. 
It took me few months to accept the changes. I kept quiet and being patient as I know now its a very important period for him to build his career. 
At this position, the stress level and the burden he is having now is much more heavier. But I believe he can do it. 

I can be patient and keep quiet in Malaysia because its in my own country, the place I am more familiar with.
However, after coming to Japan for two weeks. I realized the changes are making a bigger affects to our relationship. 
I am not sure, if both of use are having the same thought. 

We only talk through phone twice in these 2 weeks, each tele-conversation is about 10mins. 
His reaction in the phone was too calm and quiet. 
Yes, we did sms. But, the messages are short and simple. 
As usual, he is busy at work and go bowling at night. 
I hardly get a chances to share things with him. 
Our daily sms conversation are getting shorter and simpler. 

Why? why do I feel like our relationship is going downhill. 
Yes, I admitted I became more demanding during the period I am in Japan. 
But, all he need to do is just giving me more cares and that is enough to make me stay strong here. 
Does that sounds very hard? 
Why can't he just give me a bit more time at night to chat with me, let me share some stories with him and he tell me some stories. 
Even if his stories are all about work, I don't mind to listen, because he is sharing me something. 

I sent him a lot of messages and questions, but he only acknowledged 5 out of 10 questions. Sigh.. 

I don't want to do the guessing, I don't want to doubt you. 
Could you please tell me whats wrong? I am collapsing already.

Sigh, going back in 2 days and seeing him in real soon. 
First thing I wanna do when i see him is hugging him tightly. Very tightly.  


Yunxin, be patient with this guy. 
Yes I will be patient, because he a VIP in my life, because he is the one. 

Monday, January 19, 2015

Why should i be the one?

how should one be fine and act as normal when it is really hard to pretend?

how should the work be continue when one is having difficulty on taking the partner's position?

how should this be continue when thing is getting uneasy?


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Unhealthy

By all means, the day we started, its already an unhealthy thing for a working environment.

As the day we accept each other, I should have know and clearly know changes will come along the years.

I should have prepare myself before it happens.

I should have aware before it happens.

You should have wake up by now, thing will not change anymore and you should be accepting the fact by now.

Friday, January 2, 2015

How should I take it?

I think only here, I am able to write my heart out.
Sometimes it pretty sad when you have so many friends out there but you are not able to open up your hearts to them.
Its even more miserable when you cant spill out to your family members or your loves one as you know what will be their reaction and they will not understand what you are facing.
No one understands you better than yourself.

I am here on 2nd day of 2015.
Everyone has been putting up wishing in Facebook, Instagram or though Whatsapp with pictures and hoping everyone has a great year a head.
Of coz I do, how can I not follow the trend?

But, will my 2015 year be a good year?

I am great that my love one got promoted.
The promotion is very important to him for his career, his life and for his family.
He has the responsibility to take care his family.
He is not as fortune as me or anyone else out there where their parents has the capability in earning greater income.
He is not as fortune as me or anyone else out there having a life with no financial worries.
Other than in financial, he moves a big step forward in his career.

Yes, he got promoted to be HOD of solution department in my company.
So, Which department am I? I am in Solution department.
Which mean I will be under him?? -- Well, yes, I'm now working under his leading.

How would you take it if your boyfriend has now becoming your leader/HOD in the department? Can you take it? Can conflicts between relationship and work be clearly separated by a solid line?

Honestly, I could not take it after knowing he will be my HOD.
When I want to apply leave, I go to him, that is weird. Should i inform him before hand or should i only inform him when i hand in my application leave form?

When go through appraisal stage, I will be having an interview with him, that is weird. When your HOD talk to you about your appraisal is when you start bullshitting bit on your next goal and he rate you as per our working performance. How am I going to answer?

When I get my bonus, I collect from him, that is weird. He knows how much I received.

When I got increment in my salary, I get offer letter from him, that is weird. He is going to write my appraisal, how should I take it?

When everyone knows our relationship, how should we react at work place? totally ignore and take him as only HOD?

In office, he is my HOD. After work, he is my bf. That is weird too?

How am I suppse to be neutral? How am I suppose show my happiness with his promotion when i foresee some problems will happened in future?

Feeling isn't a switch where you can switch to work mode and relationship mode easily.

He doesn't see it as a problem or rather he has a solution on how to handle it?

Who can help me through? Sigh. He doesn't seems to know what I am worrying.

I can't even show my worry on my face in front of him.

Life, because of ego, its hard sometimes.


最不想发生的还是会发生。
人真的矛盾。
太执着于一些事情到最后伤心,累的, 心痛的还是自己。
我也不明白为什么我那么不想去接受他成为我的上司。
因为会有争执;因为会心理不平衡;因为会公私不分?
因为我嫉妒?

我也知道,即使我再不开心,即使我再不愿意, 我还是得接受。
现在的我,是有着两种心情去。
为他开心, 为自己伤心。
现在的我,是有着两面。
表面开心,心底心痛。

有如我一位朋友说的,你爱他,你不想失去他,你就要去接受事实。

为什么要这样的折磨我? 为什么要让我觉得委屈?

为什么是我去配合他?为什么任何事情都是我?